Weakness
by TrintaC
Summary: For now a one shot where Clary is attacked on her way to the Institute. Trigger warning for violence and rape. Do not read if you are underage please. Will try to continue the story but not making any guarantees. Thank you to all the awesome fanfic writers that are such a joy and inspiration to me. Spoilers through CoG
1. Misfortune

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the Mortal Instruments, I just love the series! This story may or may not be a one-shot, I'm not sure yet. Trigger warning, contains rape and may or not may contain self harm in the future. Please be gentle if you choose to review. Thank you and I hope you enjoy or at least don't hate this. Sorry if POV is confusing, I haven't had much practice writing anymore and had to write this up will being distracted by toddlers.

* * *

Clary was on her way to the institute and couldn't wait to see Jace. It had only been two weeks since she they learned the truth and could finally be together. Two weeks of feeling at peace, no more worrying about her psychotic father and brother. Now she just has to focus on learning her heritage and to be a Shadow hunter so she could help protect humanity. So caught up in her musings she was caught off guard as someone grabbed her arm. She was about to grab a seraph blade before realizing it was a human that grabbed her. "Excuse me" she said attempting to take her arm back and continue on her way. The man, tall and muscular but grubby looking, chuckled darkly. "No, excuse me beautiful. I don't think you need to run off just yet. Why don't you stay and have a bit of fun." He grabbed her and pulled her up against himself, gripping her wrists so tightly she could already feel them start to bruise. She starts to scream and he throws her down, her head striking the pavement and bringing a way of dizziness on. Before she can recover a rag in forced into her mouth and quickly tied off. He drags her into an empty alleyway and behind a dumpster before forcing her jacket down and pinning her arms with it. He then takes a knife and splits her shirt down the front, cutting her chest in the process. He grabbed at her breast and roughly squeezes them making her cringe and kick out at him but he is too large and uses his body to pin her to the dirty ground. Desperation floods her body and she fights desperately to get away but it's no use. The man is talking but she can't understand him over the roar of her own panicked thoughts. It isn't until he tears her jeans off and forces himself into her that she blanks out. Some time later she comes back to reality and finds herself still laying on the ground in the alleyway, feeling a throbbing pain at her center and various other injuries. She looks around and sees she is alone and starts to wriggle out of her jacket and pull the crude gag out of her mouth. Every movement sends a wave of agony over her body. She sighs in relief as she finds her stele still in her pocket and shakily draws a healing rune on her arm. As the pain starts to fade she is overcome with the horror of what had occurred. Had she really just been on her way to see her boyfriend and been raped? How could this have happened to her. She is supposed to be a demon hunter and can't even fend off a mundane who wanted to hurt her. She scrambles to pull on the rest of her clothing, zipping her jacket to cover her torn shirt.

She gets up and runs the rest of the way to the institute where she is now living while she completes her training. She pauses outside the door to catch her breath and then enters the sanctuary. Being as careful as possible to not run into any of the others she sneaks down to her room and closes the door. After drawing a locking rune she sinks to her knees and finally lets loose the torrent of tears that had been threatening to overwhelm her. Filled with a sense of disgust she drags herself to the bathroom and into the shower, not even bothering to remove her clothes. Sitting on the tiled floor she lets the scalding hot water pour over her and pretends that it can clean the filth out of her. Failing to find the strength to do anything else she stays in there until the water turns cold and then drags herself to bed, undressing finally before grabbing on of Jace's shirts and a pair of sweats. Cocooning herself in blankets she falls into a deep sleep.

Hours later she is awakened by a pounding at her door. Confused for a moment she wonders if everything had been a dream but the deep ache inside of her that even the healing rune could not erase told her that wasn't the case. Another knock made Clary jump out of bed, stumbling slightly on her sheets that caught at her feet. She shakily makes it to her door and takes a deep calming breath before opening the door. Jace stood in the hallway, hand poised to knock again and gave her a quick once over cocking an eyebrow up. God was he beautiful. "Clary were you asleep? I know the thought of seeing my gorgeous self can wear anyone out but it is 2 in the afternoon." He leaned in to tug on a strand of her hair. His close proximity brought a wave of panic over Clary and she stepped back. Feeling naseau start to overtake her Clary said "I must be coming down with something, I don't feel well. I'll see you later." Clary quickly closes the door and races to the bathroom before being violently ill. A hand on her back makes her jump and she realizes that Jace had followed her into the room. Overcome with shame at the thought of him witnessing her being sick and imaging he could see the filth from that… man… forcing himself on her earlier makes her tear up slightly. "Jace, I really don't feel good please just leave. I want to sleep." Not looking at him she misses his calculating look as he really looks at her and scans the worse than normal state of her room. Looking down he spies her ruined clothes from that morning in a heap by the end of her bed. Concern fills him and doubles as she all but pushes him out of the room. "Clary did something happen? Are you okay?" Panicked, she replies "Yes, I'm fine. I just don't feel well! I'll see you later" and she closes the door in his face this time remember the locking rune.

Outside in the hallway Jace is bewildered and worried about Clary. Something has happened he thinks to himself and races off to find Isabelle. If anyone could help him figure out what was up with Clary it would be his sister.

Inside the room Clary stands in the middle of her room with thoughts racing through her head and the taste of vomit still in her mouth. Her hair is a mess around her head and she feels disgusted with herself and anger at the nameless man who had hurt her. _How could she be so weak as to let a single mundane overpower her. None of the others would ever let something like that happen. She is so damn weak._ Resolve fills her and she clenches her fists. _ I will train and become the best shadow hunter I can, strong enough that no one will ever be able to take advantage of me again. Until then I'm going to have to break up with Jace, he deserves better than a weakling like me. I'll make myself better. Make myself stronger and I will hunt down that piece of shit who did this to me and make him pay. Maybe then I'll feel good enough to deserve love again._ Filled with a newfound sense of purpose Clary brushes her hair and throws it into a tight ponytail. Grabbing a pair of sneakers she takes off to the training room.


	2. Fearless

This chapter will be mostly from Jace's pov

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Mortal Instruments, just love the series

Italics are character thoughts

* * *

Jace was highly disturbed after seeing Clary to say the least. His mind keeps trying to connect the dots and figure out what was wrong. _She seemed like a complete mess and like she didn't want to see me at all, which was highly unusual. I mean, when is she not thrilled to see me? Not that I can blame her about that but I'm getting off topic._ _She was supposed to be at the Institute earlier in the day and that dirty pile of clothes looked like they had been torn up. Did she fight a demon on her way here? If so then why not just say that. She can't expect to be as good as the rest of us yet and she knows that. Maybe Izzy can talk to her and make some sense of today. _

Having finally arrived at the kitchen he spots his sister stirring yet another of her unfortunate concoctions. Shuddering a bit at the smell he leans on the counter beside Izzy and begins, "Hey Iz, I just came from seeing Clary and she seemed upset. Do you think you could go talk to her and see what's up?" "What did you do now Jace?" she demands pointing a spoon at his face. "Nothing I swear. She seemed really upset though and wouldn't talk to me. I'm worried something may have happened on her way here since I saw some really dirty clothes on her floor. Please just go check on her for me, please sis," he pleads. "Fine, but if I find out you did something stupid to upset her you will get to be my first taste tester tonight," Izzy replies and with a flourish walks out of the room.

_Men… _thinks Izzy. She can't quite shake off her concern for Clary though. Jace was acting quite serious which for him is rare. She knocks on Clarys door and gets no response. Finally trying the door she sees an empty room that looked worse than usual. Calling out for Clary again and peaking in the bathroom she gives up and leaves the room. Maybe she's in the library or greenhouse.

Meanwhile, Clary is sweating and panting as she attacks a practice dummy with her hands and feet. She has been practicing for at least 30 minutes and already feels tired which just makes her feel worse about herself. _What type of warrior am I supposed to be if I'm this winded just from taking on a stupid dummy. How am I ever going to keep up in a real fight? Screw this _she thinks. _I'm not going to stop training until I drop today and the day after and day after that. I will push myself till I can be someone I'm not ashamed off and that no one else has to worry about. _ She pauses in her attacks and decides to move on to weapons. Picking up a belt of daggers she stalks over to a row of targets and begins to throw one after another.

Jace finally decides to go train to try and distract himself from thoughts about Clary only to be faced with the woman herself as he enters the training room. She is throwing knives as though the targets were real and is covered with sweat. Her face holds a grim expression he hasn't seen on her face since the last great battle. Calling out her name got no response so he walks across the room and reaches out to her. Startled, Clary lashes out with the dagger she had been prepared to throw and he is barely able to avoid the blow. "Jace, what were you thinking sneaking up on me like that!?" demanded Clary. "I called your name but you must not have heard me. Are sure you're alright?" he asks while leaning in to kiss her but she jerks backwards away from his embrace and he is bewildered. "Jace, we need to talk," she says.

His confusion turns to dread with those five simple words. _What in the world is going on. _Before he can reply Clary continues. "We need to stop this thing between us. It's a distraction and I need to focus on training. I need to learn to be a shadowhunter and not a liability. I'm sorry if that upsets you but I need space right now," she rushes out while holding a hand out towards him as if to stop him from coming any closer. _She doesn't want to be with me? What…_ "Clary what is going on? We love each other how can you say you don't want us to be together, after everything we've been through?" Jace starts off softly but slowly gains volume as he starts to get angry. "Not everything in the world revolves around you Jace Lightwood and you need to learn that. I need to focus on myself and training. Now excuse me, I need to go cool off," Clary exclaims then turns on her heels and storms off.

Jace remains frozen and at a loss. _What just happened? So this is what a broken heart feels like… funny. I didn't think words could hurt like this. Nor did I ever think anything would be as painful as when I was first told Clary was my sister… Now if only that were try maybe this wouldn't feel like the end of the world._

Clary breaks into a run as soon as the training room doors swing close. Her heart is aching but she did what she had to do. _I can't be with Jace, I need to focus on getting better. Besides, I'm filthy now. Ruined…. Jace deserves so much better than a disgusting weakling like me. He'll move on…. _The thought almost brings her to her knees but she pulls herself up and keeps going. _Jace will be find and as for myself, what does it matter. Anything I had of worth was taken from me earlier today and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can either give up and let myself die or I can rebuild myself as a warrior who hunts down the demon scum of this Earth… and find and end the life of the evil mundane who did this to her. _


	3. Avenging angel

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Mortal Instruments, just love the series

Italics are character thoughts

I went through and edited the last two chapters a bit to correct some spelling/grammar mistakes. I'll try to do better about that in the future but I tend to catch mistakes better after a few days. Sorry if this isn't that great but I'd rather put something not great out than nothing since I'm prone to not continuing stories.

* * *

Izzy was back at the stove stirring her stew and scowling at it. _Another failed attempt at dinner…_ Throwing the spoon in disgust she turns and looks at Alec at the table, "Takeout from Taki's?" she asks. Before Alec could reply Jace walked through the doorway looking destroyed. "Are you okay" Alec questions, rising from the table and walking to his adopted brother. Jace wearily raises his head and mumbles "Clary broke up with me." Disbelief colors Alec and Izzy's faces. "What?!"

Meanwhile Clary is wondering the hallways of the Institute, having already cleaned herself up. She wants desperately to go somewhere… anywhere to try and quiet her raging thoughts but the thought of walking the streets alone fills her with a fear that simply adds to her level of disgust she feels for herself. She can not call or go to her parents (Jocelyn and her step-dad Luke) and Simon knows her too well for him not to tell something is wrong. Izzy would just keep asking questions until she breaks and Alec… well she thinks she may be able to talk to Alec she knows he would feel obligated to tell Jace whatever she says and while she trusts him to keep his mouth shut if asked she doesn't want to put him in such a difficult situation. Shaking herself she begins to walk to the weapons room. _I can not let fear control me. I am a shadow hunter damn it. I will go for a walk and I will go armed and prepared. If anyone decides to cross my path with ill intentions they'll regret it. _Having reached the weapons room she proceeds to load her body with daggers and a short sword that she throws across her back in a sheathe. Making sure that she is covered with the standard runes for strength, endurance, speed and one for soundlessness. After hesitating for a moment she adds a fearless rune and almost instantly she stance straightens and she is no longer afraid. _Why didn't I think of this earlier? I still feel disgusted and worthless but I'm not afraid. Why should I fear a freaking mundane? No one should have to fear him ever again. I'm going to find him and I am going to kill him. Filth like him doesn't deserve to walk the Earth. _Turning back to the wall of weapons she grabs a small crossbow as well and, turning on her heels sharply, stalks off down the hallway. Silent thanks to her runes she briskly walks past the kitchen and out of the Institute.

A few minutes prior-

Izzy crossed the kitchen and slapped Jace across the face. He raises his head and looks at her in shock while Alec asks "What the hell was that for?" "Jace you need to snap out of it. This isn't you. Clary loves you and something is obviously wrong . Now instead of wallowing in self pity, how about we figure out what is going on." Pulling him in for a quick hug, Izzy then steps back all the while holding on to Jace's shoulders. "We are going to figure this out, okay." Jace gives himself a mental shake and returns her look. "You are absolutely right. We'll figure out what is going on and fix it, I mean come on. How could anyone let a winner such as myself go?" Encouraged to see a bit of Jace's cocky attitude return the siblings looked at each other in relief. Looking back, Izzy just barely catches a glimpse of red hairs before it disappears down the hallway. Poking her head out of the doorway and pulling it back in she turns to her brothers. "Maybe we should figure out where little miss red is going completely decked out in weapons by herself hmm. Shhh… no need to spook her, let's follow her and see where she's going. I'm already armed so hurry up and let's go!" The trio quickly etches runes for speed and stealth before grabbing their normal weapons and taking off after Clary. She has already managed to get a street ahead of them and the trio follows quickly behind. Under the influence of her fearless rune, Clary doesn't bother looking behind her and stalks quickly down the streets.

Whispering, "What the hell is going on? This isn't like her, we're heading for a pretty bad part of town and she looks like an avenging angel!" "I don't know Alec, but I plan on finding out," mutters Jace with a newfound sense of resolve to his voice. "I don't like this though, not one bit."

Up ahead a small demon leaps out of an alleyway as Clary pauses at its entrance. Before the trio can react, Clary has skewered it with her seraph sword and moved on. In shock the three share a brief glance before taking off once again after the red head. "You might want to call Simon," whispers Jace to Izzy.


	4. Breaking Point

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Mortal Instruments, just love the series**

**Italics are character thoughts**

**POVs will be switching back and forth a lot in this chapter. Let me know if it's too confusing and I'll mark them out. **

After Simon arrived and was filled in the four whispered between themselves as they crept along the streets behind their tortured friend. Clary had not stopped for a rest or shown much awareness of those around here other than to clear the surrounding alleyways of any demon spawn. The four grew more concerned as time went on and decided that Simon would just happen to cross paths with his best friend and see if she would talk to him. The others would stay back and watch their backs. Jace stepped forward and clasped a hand onto Simon's shoulder before he could start off and whispered, "Thanks for this."

"Hey Clary! What are you doing out here? I haven't seen you lately." He stepped forward for a hug only to stop at the stricken face of his childhood friend as she rapidly moved back from him. _Something is definitely up. _His forehead furrowed with concern as he took a long look at Clary. She normally greeted Simon with a wide smile and an air of openness that comes from being friends so long and the person standing in front of Simon looks grim faced and closed off, her eyes lacking their normal sparkle. Clary forced a smile onto her face and said hello. "I just wanted to practice some of my shadow hunting skills, I was going a bit stir crazy at the institute." She turned and started to continue walking so Simon reached out again and grabbed her arm. Clary wrenched her arm out of his grasp and swung a fist out, catching Simon on the side of his head. Backing up in horror of her actions Clary stuttered out an apology and turned to flee into the night. Simon glanced back to the group and Jace shook his head indicating he not try to catch up to her. Jace told the others that he would keep an eye on her but that they should head back home and try to get some rest. Whatever was going on would take more than one night to deal with.

It was surprisingly hard to keep up with his love and Jace thanked the angels for his extra speed and strength. He highly doubted that any of the others, barring Simon and his vampiric speed, could have kept up anyway. He followed Clary all the way to Central Park where she collapsed against a tree and pulled her knees up to her chest. Sobs soon filled the air and it took everything he had to not go to her and wrap her safely in his arms. _She doesn't want me to comfort her. She doesn't want anyone to comfort her. The way she recoiled from Simon and hit him was something I once would have daydreamed of and now… it's terrifying. I wish I knew why she is acting this way. I wish I could hold her in my arms like I did a few days ago, before my world started to fall apart. _

Clary didn't feel the cold of the ground or the biting wind. Honestly she didn't feel much of anything at the moment. Anger and despair cycled through her but the only constant was an overwhelming feeling of disgust. Disgust with herself, disgust for her nameless assailant. _It feels like every cell of my body is filled with filth that I can't get rid of. It's inside of me and I can never wash it off. _She rocked back and forth as sobs racked her body yet no tears poured from her eyes. _Maybe I'm not even good enough to cry anymore. Everything good inside feels like it is dying. I can't even find that piece of scum who did this to me, who took the good things away from me as he took my innocence. Innocence ha. _A twisted sounding laugh bubbled out of her, the sound was chilling even to her own ears yet she couldn't stop. She grabbed her hair and pulled as hard as she could trying to ground herself back into reality.

Hearing Clary's hysterical laughter made Jace decided he couldn't stay back any longer. He slowly walked forward not wanting to startle his love and tentatively called her name, "Clary."

Her head snapped up and her deadened eyes met and held his stare. Dark green clashed with liquid gold. Clary felt a new wave of panic as Jace approached. _He can't touch me! I can't let this filth rub off on him, he's too good. He doesn't deserve to be spoiled by me. _"Jace stop!" shouted Clary as he neared her. "Don't come any closer!"

"Clary I'm not going to hurt you. Baby, I love you. I'll do whatever you need me to do please don't shut me out." Jace took a few more slow steps until he was about 4 steps from his love.

Feeling panicked Clary drew a dagger and held it in front of her. "You don't understand! I don't want help, I don't need help. No one can help me," she rambled. Jace spoke in a quiet tone meant to reassure and repeated, "Clary, it's me, Jace. Your boyfriend. I love you sweetheart and would never do anything to hurt you." Shaking her head soundlessly Clary couldn't bring herself to answer. _No no no. This is all wrong. I don't deserve his love anymore. No no no. Can't let him touch me. _Seeing that Jace would not just leave her Clary was filled with even more desperation. She turned the knife towards herself and slashed at her own throat. The only thoughts running through her mind were about how to keep from sullying Jace, her bright angel. _Maybe if my blood is spilled the filth will flow out with it. _The sharp bite of her blade made her gasp and she actually smiled as she felt the first drops of blood spill down her throat. A sense of peace filled her as darkness filled her sight. Maybe, just maybe she could leave her pain behind when her life leaves her.

Jace saw her tilt the blade inward but couldn't react in time. As the realization of her actions hit him he jumped forward and wrenched her arm away but not fast enough. Blood gushed from her wound and he panicked. Quickly drawing his steele he drew a healing rune right over her cut and another directly over her hearth where it would be strongest. Putting pressure on the wound he silently begged whatever angel or deity could be listening to let it be enough, to heal his love and keep her on this world. _If I lose her, I'll lose myself. Please please be alright my love. Please. _lway. Silent thanks to her runes she briskly walks past the kitchen and out of the Institute.

sharply, stalks off down the ha


End file.
